long time no see

i feel like writing again. (not an april fool joke.)

last april, i had a falling out with someone that once was the closest to me. it was heart breaking. we had agreed to stay friends, but going back from a relationship that was more than that was not easy, at least for me. i found my self feeling conflicted, betrayed, and led on. i have so much more to write about it, but i will save it for another day. in this post, i want to talk about something else.

i was diagnosed with a light depression in 2019. my internship, which did not leave a good impression on me to say the least, was probably the catalyst. the sadness and anxiety was already creeping in since mid 2018, but i was still able to hold on, by then. but at late 2019, i had to find help. the doctor i met gave me medication, which i never take in the end. i had only met my doctor once, and ignored all her messages afterwards. now that i think about it now, i was probably scared. what if i become dependent on the medications? what will my family think if they find out?

but again, i was still able to hold on. hanging out with friends, going out, having fun, eat some good foods, get back into forgotten hobbies- i did all of them, and before i realize, i think i cured my own (light) depression. i just had to find another outlook on my problems and tackled them. everything turned out just fine.

i could not say the same when i had a relapse in october 2020. it was just so sudden. i was doing my mid-term exam, the last one. but the next day, out of the blue, i just felt like i was a fish out of water. everything just felt off and did not matter anymore. i abandoned my mid-term exam.

in actuality, maybe it was not so sudden. the falling out in april might have had affected me, but i was still in touch with my other friends until july, so i still have my emotional support. but it seemed like the pandemic was getting into my nerve. because we could not meet physically, we settled on zoom calls and the like. everyone's condition at home is different, so sometimes there would be some dogs barking in the background, or we would cut off each other because of the lag. it was a struggle, at least for me. sooner or later i got annoyed for every little thing.

the same went for my parents too. at least that is what i think. for me and my friends, being art students, it was normal (albeit unhealthy) to stay up late until, say, 2 am to work on projects and stuff. my parents probably were(are?) not used to hearing noises until 2 am. being the noisy bunch that i am, i had disturbed their resting time. i was told off to stop doing the calls and go to sleep. okay. fine. i was getting irritated by all the noises anyway.

honestly, not joining calls would have probably been alright- had i not cut them off completely, of course. but it was just, my interest differentiate from them. and sometimes i would feel estranged. so i would talk to others that have similar interest to me. naturally, my relationship with my friends in real life went from close friends to... i do not know, maybe strangers, but i do not want to call them that. i am still holding them dear. but there are stuffs that i would not tell to them now (and probably the same goes for them to me). i find it hard to tell them my thoughts, and would reserve it to my own, rotting away....

in august, i started working part time in the place i worked on during internship. now, why would i work there again had i find the place unpleasant? easy: it was the money. but of course, money is not everything. i had just learned my lesson a little bit too late. the stress from working online, coupled with online class, made me had to stay in front of my computer for 16+ hours a day. it messed my head up. i was burnt out.

everything was too much for the cowardly me, so i ran and hid away.

a stupid choice, i know. but it just felt right to me at that time. it was the easy way out.

before i realized, it was already december, and my life was messed up. and it was worse than everything that had been. at least that was what it felt (feel?) like, haha.

i mean... i was missing my finals, which promptly would make me totally bombed my gpa, which i had to keep up if i want to graduate on time and keep my scholarship, but i could not, so i have to probably repeat the year and pay the tuition fees on my own; but that time i was already questioning my self- why did i enroll to a graduate school, again? i feel like quitting. at the same time, i was missing my work, and, well, if you miss work for days without telling your boss, you will get fired; except that i was missing work in purpose so i can get fired because i do not know how to say i want to stop and focus on my academics, which is kind of hypocritical to be honest. i had a falling out with my closest friend, and was half-forced to alienate my self from my other real life friends. i would get angry at my parents for no clear reason, as far as avoiding being in the same room with them for too long. i would hide away in my room, not doing anything productive. i slept and cried a lot.

i was probably lonely.

so lonely that i started having suicidal thoughts, for the first time since forever. but i never actually do it. because... well, i am a coward. but i kept having these thoughts; it would be nice if someone can just end my life quick, so i would not have to feel this pain.... i just want everything to end already....

i am aware that it is unhealthy to keep everything bottled up. it is better to say your thoughts out loud. to tell that you need help, that you are not in the right state of mind, that you need emotional support. but getting help, and admitting that i need help, is hard. after being told "maybe it's just you," by a friend when i confessed to them i had some days when i find even to get up from bed is hard; after shrugged off with "your negativity affects me, and you know i don't like something negative" by the one who once i considered the closest to me.... exposing all my vulnerable feeling to someone is just hard. i am afraid of the rejection.

one night, as i washed my dishes, my mom suddenly asked me, "what is wrong with you?" and all hell broke loose. i was so angry that i cried. in the end, i finally confessed that i had been diagnosed with light depression in 2019, and i might having a relapse, and it is so much harder with all the quarantining. i felt so tired, but no matter how much i rest, the fatigue would not go away. i did not feel like human.  i wanted to quit school. and life.

on january, i started going to the psychologist again and i realize that i did not feel at home at home. every time i see my parents face, i felt the anger is boiling inside me. it was selfish of me, but they decided to let me move out on february. living alone, having my own space, albeit lonely, was something i really needed. slowly but surely my mental health got better. i could see the silver lining of my situation. but on march i got into a car accident, did something stupid, and i had to move back to my parents' house. i felt awful. but not for long.

somehow, i have arrived at acceptance stage in 5 stages of grief. or maybe it was 7, i don't remember. it took me a long time, but i was reminded that life can not always be smooth sailing once again, and accepted it. this is just one of the many storm that i have to face in life, and it will pass, sooner or later. accepting that i might not always be the best version of myself had liberated me. it was fine to fail, it was fine to not be perfect, it was fine to not please everyone- anyone. it was fine to just... exist, breathe, and live your everyday life just like any other day.

i was told that i sound nihilistic. but then i found out something called optimistic nihilism, aka. happy emo. i think, that is not so bad. after all, life is all about what you make of it. if nothing in life matters is what makes me happy, then so be it.

writing this was tough. it made me had to relive all the bad experience. but writing this, i was able to sort my thoughts and come to term with my emotions.

i find telling my story personally to someone is hard, because it means i have to show my vulnerable self. but with this blog, i can write to no one, but also to anyone, who somehow stumbled upon the link to this blog and choose to read it. although the thought of exposing my vulnerable self to everyone in the internet is, kind of scary on its own.

at the same time, i could write this for myself, to reflect on the thought i had. to read it again in the future had i have another relapse so i can remind myself, i can get better, and it will be alright, even if it takes a long time.

for now, i will try my best to survive. thank you for reading.